lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
