My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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