I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Houston, we have a blender
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize