She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
