You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
