I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
