Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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