who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
