I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
