How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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