New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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