I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
