My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
