my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
