My friends, they love my intelligence
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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