I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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