I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
