i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
