You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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