I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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