I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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