Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
