I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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