I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
