Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
