see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
