six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
