Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
