It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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