It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
