I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize