I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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