I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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