I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
