Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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