JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
