I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
