I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
