We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
