Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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