I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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