I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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