somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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