Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
