You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
