I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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