I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
