Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
