remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
