My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
