is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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