I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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