I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
