I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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