dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
